Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Final Resolve

I met with my counseler one last time before leaving Washington. Fish and chips, at the fancy Burgerville in Salmon Creek.  Just days from my departure, I stole away from the chaos of the overseas move.
   The journey had taken her deep into her pain. . . .
   The season of tender grieving now released her to the hope of a new tomorrow.
These words, given me on a beautiful card, no longer hold the splendor of my first reading them. My eyes grew wide and filled with tears as I discovered how they so fitted my situation.
Some people do not believe in going deep into their pain. Indeed, it is painful.  Also, it is a very slippery slope!  We will more likely be there longer than we had planned.  And what if we never come out? What if? Really, what if I never came out!?
But you know what? For many there never is or was a "what if". I didn't choose the path leading into the formidable wasteland. Who could? I simply tired of fighting and fell upon it.  Fierce and finely intricate feelings bore me away to the shadowlands.    I grieved every grief I had subdued, avoided or made fun of the first time around.  And then miraculously, one day they let me go!  Now I am running free, and one day I will fly! You know, I've never tested my wings?!!
There are still those days of unbearable fragility.  They are like dreams of what used to be my everyday, painful, frightening, stormy, humbling and some times surprisingly raw, bitter and ugly.  I will always pay respects to MY HUMANITY but I will never again let guilt and self-loathing play its game on me!