Saturday, August 7, 2010


I've been thinking about this blog, and about the kind of privacy I 'd like to have in my life. Many circumstances oppose my need for solitude, my husband's career, the # of children I have, the nature of my family.  And most of all, my fatal mistake. I hate how everyone in my world has peaked interest in me. I know people don't have hours to spend thinking about me. Thank goodness!
Still i feel angry and irritated to think of the privacy which I recently realized was so needed during the years I was 16, 17,18,19. I was not maturing in a safe cocoon (who does?) preparing to emerge as a butterfly.  Feels like I was poked and prodded, studied and fussed over.  So clueless, so clueless of what was really taking place and what it meant to the rest of my life. Clueless of how abnormal my development had become.
Oh, I have so much pity and compassion on myself when I look back to see the terribly frightened tender sixteen year old. . . and then I see what all the fussing was about, even the peaked interest.  In fact, my own interest is peaked!
So. Can this blog be for my own interest and exploration of myself and my experiences? Are there any precautions I can take to keep judgment and nosy people and critics out?  Do I have to give up privacy in order to get in touch with others who have been affected the way I  have.  Affected by trauma, fatality, guilt, bad press, ineffective doctors, well-meaning busy bodies, highly concerned loved ones, and confused friends . . . too much attention all together!!!
We'll just have to see. Blog by blog, day by day.  I can always shut up tight again later, right?
It took just a few moments for me to realize: No! I can't just shut up tight again, hide in my shell of shock. I'm finding my way forward and that's the way I want to go. I want to grow up. . . move past 17, 18, 19, and 20, past 25 and 30!
I may have to fight my way out, but I am going to emerge a mature, extraordinary, beautiful butterfly and then . . .  I'm going to test my wings!