There are some things I can never recover. Foremost, the life of a schoolmate of mine, the friend of many, a beloved daughter. Also my innocence, my tender adolescent years, my free feeling college years. Guilt took me pinch by pinch until I was left with no right to BE. It wasn't until there was nothing left, 'cept life itself, that I even perceived this theft.
Guilt had done a number on me! I welcomed him under many guises. But when I had nothing left . . . and he still wanted more. . . that is when I knew. I shut the door in his face, rested safely behind it and tried to catch my breath. How could I have been so blind? (I do have a few ideas!) but you're not going to like them! devotion, discipline, sacrificial love, the cause of Christ, a mother's love, moral perfection, the desire to please. Doesn't that make you mad? Guilt wore many masks. In fact, I think guilt and shame were hiding behind many thing in my life. So when he asked for it all, the very last of me, I saw him for what he was: an evil force of darkness and despair. I was left in a room of darkness. Then the LIGHT came on and I saw Guilt. Just guilt . . . so I told him where to go!
There came a time,
Guilt was at my door,
Demanding more,
than I ever paid before,
My hands were empty,
my soul bereft,
Store rooms barren,
no crumb was left,
I stood my ground,
made bold and said,
You'll take nothing more,
until I 'm dead,
And when I die,
I'll be at Christ's side,
You'll not be there,
nor Grief, nor Shame,
So today I dare,
to send you back from where you came.
I made this poem on a long walk. A long walk that made so many things so clear that day. It just came out, rhymes and all, as I tramped up the Hawaiian mmountainside behind my home. And when I finished it, I realized for the first time: I'd been had! I stamped my foot and said out loud "Damn you. . . damn you to hell! I have a right to BE!!!"
