A letter to take to the grave, jan 3 2012

As you lie beneath me in your grave,
Upon your stone I set my gaze,
These dates here inscribed,
And all the dates in between,
I saw you never,
Save a shock of dark brown hair,
And a frame completely still,
I cannot but think,
What a tragic pair we make,
You all young and strong,
Yet dying in your fathers arms,
Me desperately trying everyday,
To do as I am told,
You, taken in your innocence,
Me, my innocence taken from me!
To think eighteen years have passed,
Oh, how I hope heaven suits you!
Oh, how I wish for something to suit me here before I go.
In making a place of compassion for others,
I hope to find something of my own.

Not My Mistake?

You see, I have this blog called fatal mistake. Only it's not my mistake...or it's not only my mistake. I just don't own it as I used to...and I've no shame in sluffing it off either...not that I'm sluffing! Personal journal - January 2, 2012

A letter NOT to give my parents

I should have told you, "no!" but I was too busy being your "good girl". Those words meant everything to me, sunshine and air! You failed me, each in different ways. I finally protect myself. I finally trust myself more than I trust anyone else. This is a lesson I will not make my children wait to learn on their own. Personal safety is a personal responsibility. Obedience is insufficient. I will teach my children to listen to their own good advise. I believe we know what is best for ourselves. We will see how much water this idea holds as my children grow older!

Final Resolve

I met with my counseler one last time before leaving Washington. Fish and chips, at the fancy Burgerville in Salmon Creek.  Just days from my departure, I stole away from the chaos of the overseas move.
   The journey had taken her deep into her pain. . . .
   The season of tender grieving now released her to the hope of a new tomorrow.
These words, given me on a beautiful card, no longer hold the splendor of my first reading them. My eyes grew wide and filled with tears as I discovered how they so fitted my situation.
Some people do not believe in going deep into their pain. Indeed, it is painful.  Also, it is a very slippery slope!  We will more likely be there longer than we had planned.  And what if we never come out? What if? Really, what if I never came out!?
But you know what? For many there never is or was a "what if". I didn't choose the path leading into the formidable wasteland. Who could? I simply tired of fighting and fell upon it.  Fierce and finely intricate feelings bore me away to the shadowlands.    I grieved every grief I had subdued, avoided or made fun of the first time around.  And then miraculously, one day they let me go!  Now I am running free, and one day I will fly! You know, I've never tested my wings?!!
There are still those days of unbearable fragility.  They are like dreams of what used to be my everyday, painful, frightening, stormy, humbling and some times surprisingly raw, bitter and ugly.  I will always pay respects to MY HUMANITY but I will never again let guilt and self-loathing play its game on me!

The Other Side

Here I am back in Hawaii! But this time I am on the other side. My eyes feast everyday upon the huge green mountains.  They rise up all around Kailua. There is room for my thoughts to soar.  I am actually living in the exact place I want to live! My new life is shaping up to be quite do-able.  Completely on the other side!.. the other side of the impossibilities that were my life before.  On my thirty-fifth birthday, i found myself living where I want to live doing things I've dreamed and planned for myself to do!   So, is my life all rainbows and butterflies? Yep, pretty much.  At least right now anyway!
But how can this be? I thought I'd be wandering wounded for eons!  I have managed to find MY way. . . A way of living that works for me, not against me.  I hope to tell you all about it!